by Barry Stagg
January 1998
TAGS for Professional Brats
What if the greedy, spoiled world of professional sports suddenly had an economic collapse just like the calamity that befell the Newfoundland Cod Fishery? Suppose the golden goose of the National Hockey League, the National Basketball Association and Major League Baseball suddenly developed fiscal cancer and died? What kind of welfare rescue program could be expected to tide over the unemployed wretches booted off the rosters of teams like the Philadelphia Flyers, Golden State Warriors and the Chicago White Sox? Young men like Eric Lindros, Latrell Sprewell and Albert Belle would have their time cards cancelled in the prime of their altruistic careers. Please do not suggest a lateral move to the World Wrestling Federation. There are standards to be maintained in every business.
Perhaps the mass of strung out fans would demand a rescue effort not dissimilar to the acclaimed TAGS model that is now so treasured in the law and lore of Canada's Happy Province. Before such a project could be developed, the key positions would have to be defined. Where would the player's agents fit into the PLAYTAG scheme? Agents would get the jobs of organizing the re-training courses for the unemployed unfortunates. Courses in grocery packing, floor sweeping and snow shovelling would challenge the administrative talents of the likes of Mike Barnett and Brian Lawton.
Player's Union officials cannot be left out. They could have the tasks of designing and patenting the course outlines for Sweeping 101, Shovelling 100 and Packing 100F. This would mean that marketing rights to these unique packages are to be owned by the Union. The union can then licence the courses to the schools that will conduct the programs. Already there are jobs and money for the hard working masters of symbiosis. That much is thankfully accomplished.
Next in line for economic consideration are the now destitute and bankrupt team owners. Wayne Huizenga and Steve Stavros and John McCaw are some of the owners who might need assistance in this imaginary and imaginative situation. Owners cannot be left out of the rescue package. What is the solution for them? This one is a natural. The owners now have all these empty stadiums. They can nail together a few bits of lumber and drywall and renovate those stadia into classrooms. Then in a stroke of marketing genius the owners can lease these temples to the schools needed to train those needy athletes. The standard Liquor Store lease will used to set sensible rates of return on investment.
The players now are the central focus of the remaining distribution of labour in this rescue mission. Obviously all players are equal but in the harsh reality of the classroom not unlike the tough truth of the locker room, some are more equal than others. Thus some players are too good to be mere students. Instead they will be teachers and they will join the coaches and managers and some of the agents in communicating the nuances of Sweeping 101 to the rest of the brigade.
Rates of pay for the teachers must be generous. This is an axiom of the entire teaching profession and our staff with their trade union backgrounds grasp that concept right away. Collective bargaining with the owners and the agents produces a long term arrangement in line with the profitable terms of the classroom lease and the patent licences.
Next in line are the players. They must be paid, otherwise they will refuse to learn. They have been already indoctrinated by owners, agents and instructors to adhere to the apparent Stengelism: "Learn me, teacher". With all of the experience gained from the professional game, the players and management negotiate terms that use up the rest of the PLAYTAG budget on players salary.
After the rates of pay are set, a small amendment to the various contracts requires that owners, agents, teachers and players receive all salary in one single pre-payment. The bill is then prepared and sent to the fans. Premier Tobin, as the former fisheries minister and thus putative father of TAGS is recruited to collect from the fans. Season tickets disguised as tax returns serve to fill the collection plate.
Players and cohorts retire to convenient watering holes to contemplate the next Act in this silly, little morality play.
Until next month: Be Proud, Be Prosperous.