SIGNS OF THE TIMES

June 2001

by Barry Stagg

Rex Murphy's General Custer

Rex Murphy reached back two centuries to find an inspired comparison for the recent troubles of Opposition Leader Stockwell Day. Unfortunately, due to the pressures of playoff hockey viewing and consequent sleep deprivation, your humble scribe was not sentient during the whole performance given by Master Murphy on CBC. Yes, I fell asleep after the hockey game. However, that does not prevent me from plumbing this most convenient and bountiful well of inspiration. This is especially needed this month as the editorial taskmaster has ordained, actually politely requested , that I get this column to her as fast as possible. We both know that the email part of that journey is swift and certain . It is the road leading through the synaptic gaps of the feverish author that is problematic and in need of cerebral ballast. Thus, thank you gentlemen: Mr. Murphy, Mr. Day and Mr. Custer.

Rex Murphy credited Stockwell Day with reaching depths of tactical inadequacy not plumbed since Custer's Last Stand. Who am I to argue with that assessment of the follies on Parliament Hill that have put the Shawinigate Scandal on the back pages for a day or two (pun unintentional but convenient). But is that all there is to this orgy of ineptness? My suspicion, now bravely voiced, is that Brian Tobin may be bracing for another career change, this time as press secretary for the Alliance Party. The evidence, scant as it may be, for this theory is twofold. Firstly, Tobin changes careers every few months anyway, witness his metamorphosis from globe- trotting premier to globe-trotting cabinet minister in recent months. Secondly, Tobin is no fool and certainly can divine the looming spectre of (Almost) Prime Minister Paul Martin in the foggy fumes generated by the row over that ' loans for your buddies' business in Shawinigan. Resignation of Jean Chretien in the near future is not part of the chosen career path for our man Tobin.

Tobin as Alliance press secretary and central planning advisor has its possibilities. The callow incarnation of Brian Tobin was a mediathingy ( to co-opt a favourite Frank Magazine phrase) and was an eager backroom beaver for Don Jamieson and Bill Rowe, Newfoundland Liberal heavyweights of yesteryear. This man knows the business and certainly knows how to give the business to an appropriately targeted foe. Why would he not seize an obvious chance to thwart the formidable political cannons of Joe Clark and the many Martin loyalists aimed ever more menacingly at his friend, patron and all-round good buddy: Prime Minister Jean ( formerly labelled as Prime Minister Teflon). With the Alliance's apparent preference for undercover operatives, spies and the like, it would be a natural for them to employ the perfect mole ( John Le Carre style) to advance their interests in Ottawa.

Tobin as mole does have a certain anthropomorphic precision not unlike such successful cross- species characters as Rupert the Bear and Rusty the Rooster. None, not even Tobin the Mole can hold a candle to Stage Door Johnny, Belmont Stakes winner, notorious horse and sneaky Reach For The Top answer. But , I do digress. This column is supposed to be about the very serious business of not falling asleep in the middle of the CBC National News after watching the Leafs shut out the Devils. After all, we all know what side the Devils are on during this parliamentary session and playoff season. We can only learn about Tobin the Mole and his furry friends if we watch the news. Personally, I blame Bob Cole for all of this since he has the tripartite distinction of being a Newfoundlander, hockey announcer and former Reach For the Top referee from St. John's. Have fun and try to figure it out yourself.


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